Original Blog Post as a tour stop with Jennifer Dwells and her original blog at Life’s Breathe. Below is the content of that blog stop. I encourage you to subscribe to her blog directly if you get the chance.
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Hello to Jennifer’s blog readers. My name is Heather D. Nelson and I’m the author of the book God Had Other Plans – Keeping faith thru pregnancy loss and infertility. Today, October 4th, is my official 4th pit-stop in my virtual blog tour and Jennifer was kind enough to host me today! This is just the FOURTH stop of a multi-day blog tour discussing various aspects of infertility and the fall out it leaves behind so if you like what you read, you can check out my information below for the previous and following dates.
So far in this blog tour we’ve covered the basics of what infertility is, and how your faith can affect your life as you make the journey. We’ve also discussed some practical tips for surviving the fall-out of the drugs and pressure of treatments and TODAY i’d like to cover another very important and often overlooked issue. How to handle the rest of the world. From what I understand, this topic was present by one of you, her readers. KUDOS TO YOU!!! Alot of people overlook the impact that they can have on the life of a loved one struggling to conceive a baby so BIG UPS to you for asking the hard questions. What to do about the people in your life who mean well, and are VERY loving people and genuinely want to help but just don’t get it. For the sake of this article I shall refer to them simply as “The Outsiders”.
They come in all shapes and sizes but the look is the same. That slightly sympathetic look with the head cocked to one side as they coyly ask, “how’s it going for you guys?” They know you are trying to have a baby, heck they may even know you are having difficulties or a loss in your past, but they don’t get it…not really. In truth, no one can unless they have walked a mile in your uterus. Your world is FULL of them and most of them are family or church family or friends and coworkers. Occassionally you will get that odd random stranger who, upon finding out you have been married for X amount of years, declares that you SHOULD be having kids by now. Or better yet is bold enough to just ask, “Well how come you don’t have a baby yet?!” But most of those odd passerby’s in life can be disregarded as tacky. The one’s that are the most hurtful however,is the ones that MATTER to us. The loved ones. The family. The ones we NEED support from and who TRY but just miss the mark at every turn. They all have the same ill effects at one point or another, to make you feel like your wearing a big giant scarlett letter on your chest. A neon sign, as I often described it, that flashes over my head saying “BARREN”! But how do you deal with them? How do you handle the constant barage of unwanted inquisition, while still maintaining relationships with “The Outsiders”? And if they continue to fail in their attempts to support you, where do you turn for help and how do you make them understand?!? First, we’ll start with the common denominator — YOU.
I discuss in my book, several examples of things that frankly are better left UNSAID. I have an entire section, in fact, devoted strictly to “The Others” as an educational outlet for them to understand why the phrase, “Just Relax” needs to be omitted forever from their vocabulary. Like, FOREVER! But today I’m addressing YOU and YOUR side of things. ME, you may ask, what do I need to do when THEY are the ones that are insensitive and ill educated and tactless?? Well I will tell you, and you may or may not really like the answer but here it is. The problem is more often than not — YOU. The couple going THRU the infertility treatments. I agree that YES there is a world full of people out there who are undereducated and overly opinionated when it comes to infertility and pregnancy loss. But frankly stated, talk to ANY person dealing with something deeply personal and difficult and they can give you a LIST of comments made to them by just as many of those same people. Well Meaning, but Clueless. But before you can begin to judge them on how insensitive they are, you have to first try to UNDERSTAND them and if possible FORGIVE them. Sounds backwards, but just hold onto this little thought as we trudge into this article.
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell
Okay so quoting Walter Winchell is pretty deep stuff but I love the premise of this particular piece of verbiage. When the rest of your world falls to the outer edges while you struggle…it’s the ones that KEEP trying, that KEEP asking, that KEEP walking towards you that really count. It’s often hard to see, when you are down in the mire just trying to get your head above the muck, but your family DOES love you and your friends – your true friends – DO care about you. They want to help you which is WHY they try as hard as they do to inquire and ask questions and get nosey at times. They love you. They might be CLUELESS as to what you are dealing with, but they care, and they want you to KNOW they care, so they ask and sometimes intrude, out of love. And keeping that in mind, you have to adjust YOUR perspective — a little. Should you be the doormat that gets ever stomped on, NO. But should you sometimes take a deep breathe and count to five before answering, sure. For example, when a relative, oh lets just say your mother for this example, calls you up and asks you flatly, “so are you pregnant yet?” You may well want to blow a gasket from the pressure cooker of a life you’ve been living but before you answer, you need to remember. SHE DID NOT WALK THE LAST MONTH WITH YOU. She did not take the drugs, visit the doctors, pay out the money, etc. She spoke with you a week or so ago, and knows you are trying to conceive, but she is not as OVERLY educated on how long that takes as you are and she’s not trying to rush you or the process. She’s asking. So instead of snapping at her remember the great Jane Austen quote, “The less said the better”. Keep it simple and state, “no mom, we are not pregnant yet. we likely have a long road in front of us.” that simple answer tells her truthfully that you are NOT with child, and that you ARE looking at a long time period still of waiting. After hearing this a time or two she WILL get the picture. But what about that good friend of yours, the one that already has two kids and asks, “Why don’t you just adopt?” Whoa nelly I remember getting this one alot and it would just chap my hide each and every time. As if adoption is SO EASY?! Pfft. I don’t think so. But what I had to remember, and so do you now, is that this friend didn’t ask you that because they want you to give in, they WANT you to have children and they see you struggling and WANT to see you happily holding a baby. They see adoption as faster and less painful simply because they don’t know any better. So again I offer up the following response, “adoption is not something we are considering right now as there are many other avenues we need to go down first.” This tells them you are AWARE of adoption, but are not ready to put the other options to bed yet.
Now you may notice in both of the above examples, I’m going on the assumption that these people genuinely love you and mean well. That’s cause most of them DO love you and DO mean well. It’s hard to see, between the haze of the hormones and the dazed confusion of the drugs, but the love is there. You are a walking time bomb of emotional uproar and you’ve spent so much time second guessing yourself that it is an easy leap to make to begin second guessing others as well. But don’t make the mistake of rubbing out every relationship you have in your attempts to have a baby. Give them a little grace. Give them the SAME grace you would want extended to you if you ever stuck your foot in your mouth over a topic that you just didn’t have enough information about. But what about your feelings, you may ask. Aren’t you entitled to be hurt and have those feelings – ABSOLUTELY. But you need to put those into perspective as well. They are exactly as you said it, YOUR feelings. Not your friends feelings of your family members responsiblity. They are yours and yours alone. So your burden, then, is to give your loved ones a little grace when they stick their foot in it, and then find yourself a nice healthy outlet to vent out all that pressurized emotion you have.
I was able to find online resource boards and discussion forums full of other women in the same boat I was in. In fact one of my favorites was an infertility sub-board on the site www.dailystrength.org It was safe and anonymous and online and a perfect venue for me to truly vent anything and everything I needed to get off my chest. I ended up making some life long friends that way as well and we have a unique bond because of our shared journey. If online forums aren’t for you, then journaling is a great tool to get that stuff out. If you need a more physcial outlet, take up boxing. Nothing relieves anger better than taping your latest negative pregnancy test to a punching bag and going to town on it! Or see a therapist or counselor. Whatever you need for you but find something – ANYTHING – to get that stuff OUT of your head. At the end of the day, this infertility journey you are on is transient. At some point, either from a successful pregnancy or adoption or the choice to just stop trying, this road will change for you. And when that time comes, if you have allowed all the stress and hurt feelings to damage relationships, you will end up on the losing end of things. Family is vital, friendships are important. It’s not the world’s responsibility to cater everything around you, and only YOU can decide how much of yourself you let get eaten up by the hardship of it all.
But I would be remiss if I didn’t address “The Others” directly here. For they too play a roll in all this. For the rest of the world out there I have a quote for you too.
The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend.
- Henry David Thoreau
Our good buddy Henry didn’t say, “the most I can do for my friend is meddle in their business and supply platitudes and unsolicited advise”. No. Just BE there. BE present for your friend. If you don’t always understand or know what to say, that’s okay! If you want to know more…about the life, the emotions, the journey of infertility then by all means buy my book – that second half is just for you! But you don’t HAVE to fully know what it’s all about to be a good friend. Simply being present, take their hand, and tell them you love them is often more than enough. If you want to support them but don’t know how, ASK. If you want to help them but don’t know how, ASK. If you want to understand more of their journey, ASK! Some of my best support during my own journey was from friends who just owned their ignorance and stayed with me despite it. Simply saying, “I have no idea what you are going through and i’m so sorry…how can I pray for you right now” was the BEST QUESTION EVER ASKED. I invite all you “Others” out there to steal that line as their own and use it liberally in support of their loved ones. I loved it then, I love it now. The infertility road is a long, winding, bumpy, emotionally torrential one and you have the power to shine a little light into their world. Dont’ be scared, don’t take it personally, just simply be their friend and they will love you all the more for it.
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Watch tomorrow as Jennifer has me back on here again to talk specifically to the MARRIED COUPLES and how to keep their marriage strong in the face of infertility!
Special thanks to Jennifer and HER READERS for letting me come on here today and be a guest blogger. As my thanks for taking the time to read along, I invite you to like my facebook page or visit my book website . I have multiple other blog stops this coming week covering more topics and I am ALSO doing a virtual book signing of my book. If you click on the links you can see all the purchasing options. Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com are listed if you want to just flat purchase a copy online. If you would like a SIGNED COPY, there is a paypal option in the works, but for now you can just use the CONTACT THE AUTHOR form to request your own signed copy. I can ship anywhere and will send multiple copies out if requested.
Thank you again and may you all have a BLESSED day
Heather D. Nelson
Author: God Had Other Plans
http://www.godhadotherplans.com
https://www.facebook.com/#!/GodHadOtherPlans
Contact the Author at http://www.godhadotherplans.com/contact-the-author/
Blog Stops So Far
Day 1 – October 1, 2012 – Jamie Allen at Infertility Is Real
Day 2 – October 2, 2012 – Alaina Mayes at Unashamed Growth
Day 3 – October 3, 2012 – Alaina Mayes at Unashamed Growth
Day 4 – October 4, 2012 – Jennifer Dwells with Life’s Breathe